


Little Do You Know, I'm Still Haunted By The Memories

by Tillyalf427



Category: Vampire Knight (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lack of Communication, M/M, Misunderstandings, Multi, Nightmares, Oral Sex, Self-Harm, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-19
Updated: 2020-02-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:08:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22802320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tillyalf427/pseuds/Tillyalf427
Summary: It had been almost a month now since Rido had wreaked havoc on Cross academy, however, unfortunately for Kaname, it didn't seem like all the trouble was over yet. Since the whole fiasco had ended, Senri had been acting strangely, and it was beginning to get out of hand.At first, it had been simple things, petty even. Like talking back to the other night class students, something that was extremely out of character for him and it had only gotten progressively worse over time.Kaname and Takuma are desperate to find out what's wrong only it becomes progressively harder as Senri begins avoiding them
Relationships: Ichijou Takuma/Kuran Kaname, Ichijou Takuma/Kuran Kaname/Shiki Senri, Ichijou Takuma/Shiki Senri, Kuran Kaname/Shiki Senri
Kudos: 24





	Little Do You Know, I'm Still Haunted By The Memories

**Author's Note:**

> This one has been half-finished for months now and I've only just gotten round to finishing it and although I'm not 100% happy with it, I'm not sure how to fix it at the moment and the longer it sits in my drafts the more I get the urge to just delete it which would be a shame considering how long it took to write

It had been almost a month now since Rido had wreaked havoc on Cross academy, however, unfortunately for Kaname, it didn't seem like all the trouble was over yet. Since the whole fiasco had ended, Senri had been acting strangely, and it was beginning to get out of hand.

At first, it had been simple things, petty even. Like talking back to the other night class students, something that was extremely out of character for him and it had only gotten progressively worse over time.

They had all been gathered in the living room of the moon dorms, Kaname wanting to make some announcements, however, Senri hadn't seemed interested in the slightest. He had started by showing up late, trudging into the room looking barely alive before flopping down next to Takuma who still had a smile on his face regardless, not letting his slight annoyance show. As Kaname had begun reading out the announcements, Senri let his head fall onto Takuma's shoulder, his eyes slipping closed until he heard his name.

"..Senri...Senri?" He lifted his head upon hearing Kaname'svoice "Headmaster Cross wants to see you, after class, can you go to his office?"

"Why?" Senri stared directly at Kaname as he asked the question

"I'm not sure why. Maybe because of what happened with Rido,"

"I don't want to," Senri stated and the pureblood pushed down his anger. Maybe it was simply a slip-up, maybe the younger male was tired and that may be why he had looked like he was sleeping earlier because he knew, Senri wouldn't normally talk back to him.

"Senri," He sighed, running a hand through his hair in exasperation. "You have to go,"

Senri mirrored his look of exasperation and sighed loudly, standing up and huffing out a quiet

"Fine,"

He left the room after that, leaving behind a speechless Kaname and an equally shocked Takuma.

"What on earth...?" Takuma spoke quietly in disbelief

"We'll give him a chance to explain himself, He's not usually like this," Kaname spoke to which Takuma agreed, the two getting ready for their classes.

Senri sat down on his bed with a long sigh, holding his head in his hands. He felt guilt welling up inside him and tried to reduce it by digging his nails into his arms, scratching and clawing at the skin there, only for it to heal just moments later.

As much as he hated behaving this way, it was the only thing he could think of to do. He didn't deserve to be with two _amazing, wonderful_ people such as Takuma and Kaname. After what he did a few weeks ago, he could never be worthy of their love and affection. Only, he would bet his life that his lovers wouldn't understand. They would probably say something about how it wasn't him and that there was nothing he could have down to stop it, only, he knew, deep down, if he had simply paid more attention, he would have noticed his fathers plan sooner and would have been able to avoid it all. Everything that had happened had been his fault, and he knew he could never make up for it, no matter how hard he tried, so he decided it would be better to push them away. Not just his boyfriends but everyone. He adopted a rude, standoffish persona and began doing all he could to cause trouble. Maybe if he got into trouble enough times, Kaname would have enough and kick him out of the night class, then Takuma and Kaname wouldn't have to worry about him anymore.

He barely realised how long he had been sat there until he heard footsteps approaching the door to his and Takuma'sshared room. Roughly wiping a stray tear off his cheek, he stood up and grabbed his things, pulling down his sleeves to hide the now healing scratches covering his arms just as Takuma entered the room.

"We need to go," He spoke quietly, almost carefully and Senri felt more guilt swell inside him. He's making them worry and now they're acting differently around him...This is his own fault. The younger male tried to force his feelings down as he followed Takuma out of the room, seeing everyone gathered in the living room of the moon dorms.

"Everyone's here?" Kaname's eyes scanned over the group of vampires, lingering a second longer on Senri, an expression of worry plastered on his face. After doing a quick headcount to ensure that everyone was there, they headed out, mostly ignoring the day class students that flocked to come and see them.

Everything went by without incident and before they knew it, their classes for the night had finished and they were all preparing to head back to the dorms. Kaname saw Senri starting to leave the classroom and quickly caught up with him, Takuma not far behind.

"Senri, are you going to see headmaster cross?"Kaname asked, reminding the shorter vampire.

"...Oh...Yeah," Senri mumbled, saying as little as possible.

"Good," Kaname responded "Senri, about before-" The pureblood was cut off by Senri who began quickly walking away, calling over his shoulder

"I should really go, I want to get this over with so I can go to bed,"

The younger vampire was practically jogging with how fast he was walking away and Kaname and Takuma could do nothing but watch as he hurried away.

Senri breathed out a sigh as he rounded the corner, slowing down his pace and checking behind him every now and then to check that no one was following him. He reached headmaster Cross' office and paused for a moment in front of the door before changing hismind and turning away to continue walking.

Aimlessly he walked around the school buildings, constantly aware of any small noises and staying on guard the entire time. He soon left the building, walking over to a small wooded area where he slumped down beside a tree.

He knew Kaname would be annoyed that he didn't go and see headmaster cross however, he decided that staying out past the set curfew for night class students would help to further irk the pureblood. He breathed out a long sigh as he thought of Kaname and Takuma and the expressions of worry that seemed to have been permanently etched onto their faces recently. He hated it. Hated that they were still worried about him no matter what he did to try and make them hate him. He hated that he was the reason for their worry and it had slowly begun eating away at him. Leaning his head back against the rough bark, his hand moved to scratch at his arm again, the action almost automatic at that point as he waited for someone to come out and find him. Maybe Kaname would come and find him and would finally admit that he'd had enough, that Senri was acting out too often.  
With that thought, he allowed a long sigh to escape and he dragged his nails down his arm slowly.   
A twig snapping alerted him if someone's presence and he turned in time to see Zero standing behind him, gun drawn and pointed towards him.  
Senri slowly raised his hands in surrender and stood up reluctantly, not quite ready to leave.  
"I'm going now," he spoke quietly and Zero narrowed his eyes at him, a scrutinising look on his face.  
"Why are you out here anyway?" The vampire hunter didn't sound like he cared all that much however, he also didn't look like he'd leave before it was answered.  
"No reason. Just wanted to be alone," Senri responded, his head snapping to look behind him as he heard more footsteps behind him. Takuma stood behind him, still dressed in his night class uniform with a tight frown on his face.  
"Senri," The older aristocrats voice was quiet and serious as he looked between his boyfriend and the vampire hunter. Zero looked like he wanted to ask more however, he nodded to the two night class students who turned to walk away.  
As soon as they no longer felt the hunters eyes on them, Takuma stopped walking, Senri stopping too after sensing the lack of Takuma's presence. He turned to Senri with a stern look in his eyes, masking the worry held within them.  
"What is going on with you recently Senri?"  
The red-haired vampire avoiding eye contact with his boyfriend, kicking at a stone with his toe as he thought of how to respond. Part of him, the bigger part at that, wanted to collapse into Takuma's arms and confess everything, admit how he's been feeling the past few days and why he had been acting out, however, he couldn't. He knew he couldn't. He didn't deserve his two wonderful, loving boyfriends. He knew that and yet he still yearned to fall into their embrace and never leave. Taking a deep breath and still avoiding Takuma's eyes, he answered, his voice cold and emotionless, sounding almost cruel.  
"I don't know what you mean,"  
Senri turned to walk away again, only for Takuma's hand to shoot out, gripping his wrist and turning him back around.  
"Yes, you do! Whatever's going on you can talk to us, Senri please," He couldn't ignore the desperation in Takuma's voice and Senri struggled not to give in there and then. Instead, he pulled his arm away roughly, continuing walking and forcing himself not to turn around.  
"Just leave it Ichijou,"  
Feeling the tears burning his eyes, Senri walked faster, his head down and eyes trained on the ground. The guilt was unbearable and the red-haired vampire found himself digging his nails into his wrists, trying to be discreet about it as he finally heard Takuma's slow footsteps behind him.

For the first time in months, Senri slept in his own bed that night. Since him, Takuma and Kaname had decided to try a relationship, both aristocrats had spent almost all their nights staying in Kaname's room, however, Senri couldn't deal with the shame and the questioning. He lay awake in his own bed in the room he had previously shared with Takuma, his nails scratching along his skin as he tried to stifle down his sobs, his tears soaking into the pillow underneath his head before finally, after wearing himself out from crying too much he fell into a fitful sleep.

After what must have been the most restless sleep he could remember, Senri awoke again, lying in bed for a while, simply staring up at the ceiling, his heart aching with some unknown feeling.  
He remembered every word he spoke to Takuma last night and each word stabbed like a knife through his heart. He could only imagine how Takuma must feel.  
He dragged himself out of bed and began getting ready, pulling on his uniform carelessly, his eyes barely open as he stumbled around the room that by now seemed so unfamiliar.

He was the last one ready, which seemed to be happening an awful lot recently and he pointedly avoided Kaname and Takuma as he met the other night class students downstairs.  
They set off toward their lesson without incident and Senri found himself feeling more alone than he had in a long time.  
Trailing along behind the others, he tried to act normally as they walked past the herds of fangirls screaming but as soon as they were out of sight, his expression dropped back to one which better matched his mood.  
Distracted was the only way to describe how he felt during their classes that night. Unable to focus on anything, he found himself doodling on the paper in front of him, taking notes every once in a while in an attempt to not end up ridiculously behind. When Yagari came around however and began collecting in an essay he had assigned over a week ago, Senri felt his blood run cold. He hadn't done the essay. With everything that had been going on, it had been the last thing on his mind. Panicking, he tried his best to think of a valid excuse however he came back empty-handed, sighing in defeat as Yagari appeared before him.  
"I'm sorry, I completely forgot to do it," Although he kept his voice quiet, he was sure that Kaname and Takuma had both heard what he had said and he could now feel their eyes burning holes into the back of his head with how intensely they were staring.  
Trying to curl into himself more, he anxiously awaited Yagari's response, however, the vampire hunters reply sounded far away and Senri realised he had already walked away.  
"Have it done for tomorrow,"   
Senri breathed out a sigh of relief before realisation dawned on him. He would now have to do the entire essay, which was supposed to be a week's worth of work tonight. If he didn't who knew what Yagari would say. Luckily the lesson ended soon after and Senri left the classroom as quickly as possible, ignoring the confused and concerned questions from his classmates. As soon as he was out of sight of the others, he sped up his pace, returning to the dorms earlier than everyone else and heading straight to his and Takuma's old room again. The room was cold and empty and he collapsed at one of the desks in the room, trying to clear his kind as he pulled out the notes he'd made for the essay, also grabbing a piece of blank paper to start writing on.  
Wracking his brains for anything to write, he didn't hear the footsteps approaching the room and the door opening, revealing the two people he least wanted to see right now.  
Once he realised he was no longer alone, his entire body stiffened and his eyes glued themselves to the paper in front of him, staying deathly silent until Kaname broke the tension hanging in the air.  
"Senri?" He appeared to be waiting for an answer, maybe just some form of acknowledgement however it never came. The red-haired vampire sat as still as possible until he felt a hand resting on his shoulder, involuntarily flinching away, catching sight of Takuma's concerned face briefly over his shoulder.  
"Please, Senri. What is going on with you?"   
Senri sighed, answering as vaguely as possible.  
"I don't know what you mean,"  
Kaname's voice was more commanding when he spoke  
"Senri. Talk to us. This isn't going to work if you don't tell us what's wrong,"  
Unnerved, the youngest vampire shrunk into himself slightly. As much as he felt the need to push his lovers away, could he really deny the pureblood? He definitely didn't think it would be wise to do so.  
"I'm just tired, everything's fine,"  
Sensing anger now coming from the pureblood, he found himself expecting the hand clamping on his shoulder and spinning him around to face the two older vampires.  
Takuma's face seemed to reflect how anxious he felt and he felt overwhelming guilt wash over him, making his eyes burn with tears he refused to let fall.  
"We all know that's not true Senri, just let us help you," Kaname's voice was soft although it still sounded authoritative and Senri found himself crumbling slightly under the purebloods gaze, something that was common with all aristocrat vampires when in the presence of Kaname.

"I..." Senri's voice broke off and he found himself unable to speak, looking down at his hands which were clenched tightly together.

"We only want to help," Takuma spoke in a calming voice and Senri found it harder and harder to hold back his tears as he desperately tried to think of something, anything to use as an excuse.

"It's dumb...It really doesn't matter," It was as he said this that Senri felt the tears finally fall down his face, reaching up to roughly wipe them away, hoping that his boyfriends wouldn't notice, only they already had.

No sooner than he could think, Takuma's arms were wrapping around him, cradling Senri's face to his chest. Kaname soon joined, pressing against Takuma's back and hugging both of them. As he pressed his face into his boyfriends' chest, he tried desperately to think of an excuse whilst trying to calm himself down enough to speak convincingly enough, however, his mind went blank, only serving to distress him even more.

Takuma gently shushed him, rubbing a hand up and down his back soothingly and the younger vampire found himself relaxing into the comfort his boyfriends provided. However, he should have known it couldn't last long. As his tears began to slow, Takuma pulled away gently, taking his hands in his own and looking into his eyes. Kaname stood silently, letting the aristocrat vampire calm Senri down in that way that only Takuma could manage todo.

"We can't help you if you don't tell us what's wrong," Takuma spoke quietly and Senri did his best to avoid eye contact with both older vampires.

"I know..." Senri mumbled, his voice rough from crying as he tried to fake a smile "I guess I'm just tired, I don't know,"

It was a pathetic excuse and he knew it but he couldn't possibly think with the emotions rushing through him. Part of him thought about coming clean and spilling every negative thought he'd had in the past few weeks but the guilt prevented him from doing so. Luckily for him, everything was quiet for a moment and he figured maybe his boyfriends had dropped the subject, making him relax slightly only, Takuma spoke quietly again.

"I know that's not true, but...I won't push it if you don't want me to. Just please, Senri, know that you can come to us?"

The shorter vampire nodded against his chest and reached up to wipe at his eyes once more, his attention turning to Kaname as the pureblood spoke

"Please, at least come sleep with us...I hate the thought of you sleeping in here on your own,"

Senri nodded, not having the energy left in him to argue and followed slowly after the two older vampires with his eyes trained on the floor. They reached their shared bedroom and Senri immediately moved to get ready for bed, Takuma and Kaname sharing a concerned glance before following suit.

It was only once they were settled in bed that Senri buried his face in Takuma's chest, sick of trying to pretend everything was alright even as he felt what felt like the weight of the world crashing down on him whilst he silently prayed the older vampires wouldn't feel the dampness from his tears on his shirt. Kaname was pressed against his back and his face was buried in Takuma's chest, the two older vampires insisting that it might make him feel better, however, he now found himself silently crying himself to sleep, feeling more alone than ever before even though he was surrounded by two people who he knew loved him.

Tears still managed to escape even as he squeezed his eyes closed as he willed for sleep to take over him, slowly feeling the exhaustion of the day take its toll on him as he fell into a restless sleep.

Over the next few days, Senri toned down his behaviour. He realised that his previous behaviour was only serving to make Kaname and Takuma angry and so, he tried to act normally however, he found himself unknowingly pushing people away regardless. If he ignored how he truly felt, maybe it would all go away. He didn't want Kaname and Takuma to worry about him only, everything seemed to be getting worse. He hadn't slept properly since he had been confronted by Kaname and Takuma, nightmares of Rido keeping him awake for hours on end and now it had taken a toll on him during the night too. It seemed any time he closed his eyes, even for just a second, he would see Rido and would be so frozen by fear that he couldn't do anything about it, his breath catching in his throat and his hands shaking slightly until he managed to remind himself that it wasn't real. Rido wasn't there. He couldn't hurt him. It was hard but he managed to force himself to take deep breaths, hoping and praying that no one realised how messed up he had become. Especially not Takuma and Kaname. 

It was another few days of this same routine. Wake up, drag himself to class, almost fall asleep in class (To make up for the lost sleep in the daytime), have a nightmare of Rido and wake up filled with fear, then go back to the dorms and try and avoid Kaname and Takuma so that they didn't worry about him. Only today, something was different. He returned back to the dorms, planning to grab some homework to do and head back to the library, however, he was stopped by Kaname and Takuma who seemed to have already returned to the dorms.

"Senri, you're back," Takuma spoke cheerfully, approaching the younger vampire and wrapping his arms around him. Kaname made his way over as well, moving behind Senri and snaking his arms around his waist, dipping his head down to kiss at Senri's neck just as Takuma caught his lips in a passionate kiss.

The red-haired vampire pulled away from the kiss after a moment, surprise and confusion filling his head, paired with something he could only describe as relief and happiness.

"What are you doing?" Senri asked, tilting his head slightly at Kaname's insistence "This is very sudden,"

"We figured since you've been so stressed out recently we could help you relax a bit," Kaname spoke quietly, his breath hitting Senri's ear, making him shiver at the sensation.

"Obviously, if you're okay with that?" Takuma asked, to which Senri nodded almost mindlessly. At this point, anything would be better than the depressing emptiness he usually felt. Besides, they hadn't been intimate with each other since before Rido took over his body so perhaps this could help make things feel normal again. 

With a final sharp nip at Senri's neck, Kaname straightened up and began leading the other two vampires towards the king-size bed in the centre of the room.

Takuma fell down onto the bed, Senri falling and straddling the older vampire as Kaname hovered over his back, his teeth and lips trailing down the young vampire's neck eliciting responses from the redhead which grew more and more desperate as the pureblood raked his fangs across the pale skin in front of him.  
Takuma distracted the youngest vampire even more by pressing their lips together in a hungry kiss, his hand trailing down to press against the growing bulge in Senri's now too-tight pants.  
"Please..." Senri practically whispered however it was heard loud and clear by the other two vampires whos eyes connected over Senri's shoulder, sharing a worried gaze.  
Kaname moved to lie down next to Takuma and the blond vampire manoeuvred Senri so that he now straddled the pureblood whilst he moved to grab the lube from where he had last hidden it.  
Whilst Takuma routed around for the small bottle, Kaname kissed down Senri's neck, fiddling with the buttons of his uniform until he managed to get them undone, removing the layers of fabric from the red-haired vampire. Takuma returned shortly after, settling behind Senri and kissing down his spine as the youngest vampire took control, making his way down Kanames body, undoing buttons and removing clothing as he went and sucking red marks into the pale, flawless skin. It wasn't long until he reached the waistband of Kaname's pants, hands working to unfasten his belt and pull the fabric away. Almost immediately, he dipped his head down, letting his tongue run across the head of Kaname's dick as Takuma pulled away for a moment to coat his fingers in lube, reaching back down to circle Senri's entrance. The red-haired vampire sunk his head down, taking Kaname's dick into his mouth, being careful to keep his fangs away from the sensitive skin as he felt Takuma slowly pushing a finger in, beginning to prepare him. He focussed on hollowing out his cheeks, sucking hard to earn a loud groan from Kaname, to which he grinned, mouth still stretched around the pureblood's cock.

"Senri...You're too good at this..."

The redhead keened at the praise, feeling a familiar fog beginning to settle over his brain. As much as he tried to keep his head clear, he found his brain filling involuntarily with thoughts hed wished he could forget.

Senri's heart lurched into his throat as the same images which had haunted his dreams for the past few months returned. He could see Rido's face flashing in his mind and his entire body tensed up involuntarily. He could no longer feel his boyfriends touching him, instead, it was _him_.

_Rido._

Kaname and Takuma seemed relatively oblivious to the inner turmoil Senri was currently experiencing, continuing their actions whilst Senri battled with haunting memories.

The redhead tried his best to stay calm, pausing in his actions to breathe deeply through his nose, however, he felt panic begin to take over him, accidentally letting one of his fangs scratch Kaname's dick which was still buried in his mouth. He felt the pureblood's leg tense as his hand came to tangle in Senri's hair, pulling him away with an annoyed growl.

"Senri what the fuck?" 

Takuma had also stopped what he was doing, glancing towards Kaname over Senri's shoulder in confusion and seeing the frustrated look on the pureblood's face.

The youngest vampire was silent, eyes wide as he stared blankly, focussed on Kaname's chest, his hands shaking on either side of the pureblood's hips. He was mumbling something barely audible and as the other two vampires listened closer, it sounded an awful lot like a mumbled apology.

"Senri? Senri, what's going on? You need to talk to us," Takuma tried to gain some sort of answers from the redhead, placing a hand on Senri's back as a form of reassurance. The younger vampire flinched away, staying deathly still, still avoiding eye contact.

"Senri?" Kaname asked quietly, exchanging a concerned glance with Takuma who gently encouraged Senri to lie down beside Kaname who pulled the younger aristocrat into his arms.

Senri tried his best to hide his face in the pureblood's chest, feeling Takuma lying behind him and draping an arm across his waist as he mumbled a quiet

"I'm sorry..."

"Senri, whatever has been bothering you these past few weeks, you can tell us. We want to try and help but we can't if you don't tell us what's happening. You shouldn't leave it until everything explodes like this," Takuma tried to coax an explanation out of the redhead who sniffled slightly in response.

"I don't deserve your help..."

"Senri what on earth do you mean?" Kaname pulled back slightly, trying to look Senri in the eye, however, the younger vampire refused to meet his eyes, instead continuing his explanation

"I don't deserve either of you...you're both so amazing and I...I let my uncle almost kill everyone...I don't deserve anyone's help..."

"Senri that's not true. What happened with Rido wasn't your fault," Takuma tried to argue

"Well it certainly wasn't yours. If anyone I'm to blame for letting him use me like that..."

"Senri," Kaname's voice was full of seriousness "Rido was a pureblood. You can't be blamed for anything that happened because he used his powers to control you. I'm not going to but I could too, then it doesn't matter what you want or don't want, you have no control, you can't blame yourself for this,"

"But still-"

"No," Takuma cut off Senri's protest "Is this what's been bothering you for the past few weeks?"

Senri reluctantly nodded, his face still hidden partially in Kaname's chest.

"I'm going to be honest," Kaname spoke quietly, gaining Senri's attention "We've both been ridiculously worried about you recently...Knowing what's bothering you now, I promise you Senri, none of that was your fault. Rido was a corrupt man, but you're not. So you shouldn't be too hard on yourself,"

The red-haired vampire still avoided Kaname's gaze, speaking quietly once more.

"I thought...I didn't deserve you both...SoI tried to push you both away...I'm sorry. I made your lives harder because of my own problems,"

"Senri, you did nothing wrong. We're going to help you see that, no matter what it takes," Takuma spoke quietly, placing a gentle kiss on the back of Senri's neck.

The red-haired vampire could no longer hold back the tears that were threatening to fall, letting them run onto the pillow beneath his head silently as he relished in the comfort from his boyfriends, trying to ignore the painful ache in his chest which told him he didn't deserve any of this

"Rido's actions don't define you, just because you're related to him," Kaname lowered his voice, speaking quietly "We still love you, no matter what,"

Those were the last words spoken as they all simply enjoyed each other's presence, feeling sleep begin to wash over them as exhaustion from all that had happened settled in.

It may take a while, but eventually, maybe he would be able to see Rido's actions as separate from his own. He could only thank Kaname and Takuma for not giving up on him, despite how he'd acted recently.

Maybe now that he had come clean with them his nightmares may disappear, or at least happen less often.

_He could only hope..._

For now, he allowed his eyes to slip closed, enjoying the warmth of his boyfriend's wrapped around him, feeling safer and more content than he had on weeks as he let sleep take over him.


End file.
